Spice of Life - Episode 1 (I Go Love Oh)

 

SPICE OF LIFE (E-Book Series)
[CHAPTER 1] -  I GO LOVE OH

It is no longer news that Abike has fallen in love. Like she is deeply in love, like head over heels in love! like it’s a full-time something. Wow!! Must be nice! I rolled my eyes as I watch her beaded WhatsApp status, filled with loved up pictures and praising captions for her "LOML!❤️"  Don’t get me wrong oh, It’s not a bad thing. I mean she's my baby girl, like my ride and die sister. I'm 4 years older but Bikes, as we fondly call her, totally gets me, she has such a mature soul for her age. She’s nothing like these new Gen Zs goofy young adults that are always doing the most as we see in our world today, all over the media. Abike is such a darling! And she deserves better! Yep! I said it! Bikes deserves more than Chuks.

The thought of Chuks made me nauseous, the undigested moimoi in my tummy made its jolly way up my throat, causing a burning sensation in my chest. Is that pain I feel or some pangs of jealousy? I am not Jealous jare. I sit up immediately. How can I be jealous of Bikes? My baby girl, never!! I have GERD and should not be lying down immediately after eating but for this particular nausea, Chuks takes the blame. Chuks, that bastard! As an experienced self-acclaimed relationship coach, this relationship is going to end in premium hot uncontrollable fountain of salty tears. In my little head, the DJ plays the fountain of life is flowing everywhere gospel song. I laugh hysterically. My head is a crazy place trust me; you don’t want to go there, well since you are here, welcome to my crazy world.

Now back to the main gist. At this point, I am tapping my screen veraciously to get to the end of the Bikes status. I know what you are thinking. That I am a bad friend. I am not oh, I maybe to some people, in this world you never know these things but definitely not to Bikes. I know this guy, Chukwudi Ezeonu! Agba player! I know him like the back of my hand. They said experience is the best teacher, Chuks was my greatest teacher.  But this time around, he has played on the wrong pitch, because kolowerk!!! "To the one who kills me with his looks, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You light up my world in the most beautiful ways. I love you so much. Happy birthday, my Perfect Prince Charming!" Okay! That’s it! I'm calling the girls.

After 2 rings! Amira picked,

“Bae, what’s up.” Amira said almost yawning.

“I’m good oh, help me add Nonye please, I am adding Jen, Sorry, Did I wake you up?”

 I immediately added JenJen and whilst Amira added Nonye.

“Yo! What’s up Bitches!” JenJen screamed out.

Jennifer is the life of the crew. She’s always high on happiness and high energy.  

Hey Babes! What’s popping!!! Why did you not call group call na? Nonye asked as she joined, I was about to answer but got interrupted by a loud scream. Jennifer and Amira. Those two fish! Apparently, they were both wearing the bonnet we gifted ourselves during the last sleepover. Amira sells human hairs wigs, natural hair products and hair accessories and as her brand ambassadors, we had to advertise her product. It was a very fun sleepover party, the last one we have had in a long while as a complete crew, before JenJen relocated abroad I allowed everyone to exchange pleasantries before I disclose the reason for this humble gathering.

“Why is Abike not here, Idara? Why not call on the group?” Amira inquired.

“Well, that's why I called”, I said “Have you girls seen Abike's status?”

 “Omo!”, JenJen inserted, “Like, mad oh!! I go love oh. All those sweet names, my honey pie, my sugar cane, my heart, my soul, my redeemer, just one person!!, God When! Am I a tobacco?” Jennifer laughed mockingly.

“When did she post this?” Nonye asked.

Nonye, our hyper focused queen. She rarely had time for social media, we always had to explain and update her of all the current gist around town. She was already a Manager at KPMG and was pursuing her PhD. 30 and kicking it. She was trying to make partner so there was no time for indulging in internet drama and its frivolities.

“Like 2 hours ago!” I answered.

“Oh! Oh! Wow! Awwwn! heyy!!” She kept exclaiming as she went through all the beaded status.

“So nice, so cute!”, Amira said, “Finally another asoebi for us, you guys have starved me of it.”

There was a very predictable rolling of eyes. Did I tell you that Amira was married, with a beautiful set of twins and her husband was outside the country. She has been that agent sent by all our moms to remind us that we are flowers and grasses, mountains and molehills, apples, and pineapples. If Amira calls you, forget it, marriage must be the center of discussion.

“No! no!! no!!, Mira abeg!  Don’t go there! What?! Marry Chuks ke, no way” I interjected.

“As in ehn, this is Chuks oh! Chuks!!” JenJen interjected. “Chuks thar broke Dara's heart in year 1 abi year 2 abeg oh! No way, hosana way”

 You see why I love JenJen. She’s my real gee.

Nonye looked so confused. “I don’t understand, how kwanu, Who's Chuks?”

“A very good question”, I interrupted.

“The guy that is in the picture with Bikes, Amira answered. He is Bikes boyfriend.” Nonye was not out of oblivion yet.

“Ehehn? So what’s the big deal about him? What happened to him? What exactly is wrong with Bikes dating him?”

Amira rolled her eyes and continued, “Nothing, absolutely nothing. Apparently, Chuks dumped Dara in year 2 and she is still aggrieved. She was even the one that introduced them, I wonder why she is making a fuss now.”

“Wait, wait, wait, Mira, hold it right there” I was getting agitated. Sometimes Mira knows how to get on your last nerves, I mean what is that one now, there you have it people the most annoying one in the crew. I calmed myself.

“Mira, I am not making a fuss, let me straighten some things out, I did not introduce anybody. We bumped into each other at a fuuuunction” I had to stress the word function, because it’s not like I said, “Oh Chuks di anyi nso, take this sacrifice of Abike I give to you as your pained ex, if you date her, I would forgive you” and Chuks now replied as he took Bikes’ hand, shaking in fear. Okay Dara, I shall take her, I am SO scared of your anger”

“How was I supposed to know that he was her boss? The same one she has been crushing on since she got that job at Royal Cap, the same one she was always raving about. What was I supposed to do act like I don’t know the cow from Adam. Abeg oh! No vex me! I am not making a fuss.”

“Okay! Ladies, calm your horses, calm your horses, no violence today, come back tomorrow, let us not lose focus!”, JenJen tried to lighten the mood, everyone laughed.

 “We all know this Chuks guy, Nonye, at least me, JenJen and Mira, we know him from school, we know his history…”

“…and we know he's bad for Bikes and that’s on periodt, okurrrr!!” JenJen interjected. I  super love this girl, Like… She was not done yet.

“We know he’s a manipulative conniving bastard that have no respect for women except his mom. This guy was sleeping with almost all the hot chicks and not so hot chicks in our hostel and still dating Little Dara. 🤦🏽‍♀️As an Amebo, that I proudly am, I told this fish and she still forgave him.” Everyone laughed while I shake my head in shame, covering my face with my hands. She continued.

“It was not until he came up with the lie that his mom only wants him to marry someone from his village and She doesn’t like Efik girls, that was when She started getting the jek, na there our babe eye open.” More laughter erupted from the call. JenJen loves telling this story to embarrass me. She’s like my walking reminder of my childish foolishness.

Mehn, I be mumu sha, the DJ in my head is playing happy mumu and as if JenJen paid her, She starts singing the song out and everybody joined

“I am a mumu they call me mumu, I no get sense to love oh, your love makes me a happy mumu” That’s right, make fun of the jilted ex, whose boyfriend of the last 5 seasons of the history of boyfriends, is dating her best friend. Karma, nice one! E reach my turn; you remembered to give your life to Christ.

“Well, we have to figure out how to call this off or what do you guys think?” I said, interrupting their happy mocking song.

Soft spoken Nonye spoke up, she likes action, our problem solver.

“If the guy is that horrible, as you speak, then we have to let Bikes see that. What is his weakness, we need to exploit that”

I know what you are thinking why are this girl’s besties trying to break off her relationship? Why are they against her joy? You won’t understand, I don’t expect you to but you soon will. I assure you.

“Hmmmn oh our chartered auditor, the only baddie in KPMG, yes mama, yeah yeah” JenJen starts hailing her. How is this tout abroad and here I am in Nigeria, maintaining beauty and earning in naira for God sakes.

“Chuks is a chronic fornicator. He is just pretending till he is bored of Bikes and her soft heart, when he is done, he would make poundo out of it” I said and others concurred except… You know guessed it right! Mother hen Mira

“You guys are not thinking straight, why na?, what’s past is past, Dara forgive and move on abeg and be sincerely happy for them. Bikes is your friend. Don’t you want her to be happy?”

“Eggxactly the point, Mira! We want her to be happy that is why Chuks must go, This relationship has gone on long enough” JenJen hissed, JenJen is my spirit animal, forgerrit, perfect answer for Mira.

Mira continued to rant about our baes happiness and JenJen continued the word tussle with her whilst Nonye tried inadeptly to intervene, asking questions to bring her up to speed. In fact, the more Amira tried to fight, the more JenJen continued to clapback with scenarios, going back to the memory lane that I never wanted to go.  I get distracted by the notification chat that popped up.

“Wait, guys, wait, the cow is texting me.”

 “Chuks?” Nonye asked,

“Of course, who else, He’s the only cow, the others were donkeys.” They all laughed.

“What is he saying?” they almost all asked in unison ...

“Don’t know, hold on, let me find out” I replied

“You see, he has the guts to text…” JenJen is pissed, she ranting and speaking in fake American accent. It’s been just 2 years, she left and it’s been a roll, Hell yeahurrr!, innit!, dangit!, wanna! , shouldna!, canna, periodtt, okurr.. and all those American slangs. I interrupt her to break the news.

“Guys, he wants to do a public proposal and he wants me to plan it.”

“Public proposal to who?” Amira asked.

 Nawa oh, But his mother’s friend is Lara Events and Décor, the biggest events planner on the Island, Why you, why not her?”

“Wow, it’s the guts for me, the bloody guts.”, JenJen said through gritted teeth.

“wow, why you, that’s cold, is there no other event planner? what’s he aiming at?” Amira continued to ask. Slowly but steadily, it is sinking in, oh yeah, mother hen is catching on.

“Maybe, Bikes asked him to.”

“No, It’s supposed to be a surprise party, Bikes does not know a thing and Bikes won’t even demand that from me, she knows everything ”

“So why you?”

“Don’t know Mira, I don’t know.”

“The bastard”, Nonye remarked through her teeth, This is getting interesting, I want to see how this all unfolds. JenJen is ranting in French now I am confused and angry as well. In fact, I really don't know what to feel, I am happy for Bikes to be proposed to, this is what I do every day, it is even because of such memorable moments that made me venture into events, But...

“Nawa oh. guys we need a plan, and we need it ASAP!”

Click here for Chapter 2

Written by Rosemary Ugwuogo aka Dauntless