Delulu Express - Episode 4 (After God, Fear EBUKA!)

I don't know why I am doing this, but It feels right, I need Closure! I thought as I sat across the host in Dauntless FM Studios. The Producer signals to us that we go live in 3, 2, 1. The host begins

🎙️ "Good evening, lovely souls, and welcome back to another episode of 'Heart to Heart Talk with Me! Roxie!'. As your host, Tonight's journey promises to be one of profound emotion and introspection. As always, we're here to delve deep into the intricacies of the human experience, and tonight, we have a very special guest joining us. But before we introduce them, today we are talking about Breakfast..."

UNBREAK MY HEART BY TONI BRAXTON plays softly in the background. She continues

🎙️ Heartbreak, Obimgbawa! we have all been there! We have experienced it uniquely. It's a universal experience, yet intensely personal. Whether it's the shattering of a romantic relationship, the loss of a cherished dream, or the pain of separation from a loved one, heartbreak touches us all. But amidst the anguish, there lies an opportunity for growth, for renewal, and for the discovery of our own inner strength.

[Music Transitions] She gives me a sign that I should prepare to speak, She continues

🎙️ And now, dear listeners, it's time to introduce our guest for tonight, someone whose journey through heartbreak has been both tumultuous and inspiring. Please join me in welcoming Mariam Ifoghale

[Applause Sound Effect] I smile and adjust my microphone

🎙️ "Mariam, thank you so much for being here with us tonight."

🎙️ "Thank you, Roxie. You have such a wonderful platform, I am very delighted to be here"

🎙️ "Now, before we delve into your story, Most of our listeners are wondering who is this new guest, Please briefly introduce?" She urged me on

🎙️ "Of course. My name is Mariam Ifoghale, I am just a young aspiring SAN in Nigeria, and like many others who have been on this platform, I've experienced my fair share of heartbreak, Yes oh, Even Lawyers de chop breakfast. I have been a listener for a while and I was happy when I was called upon to share my story because a lot is happening now and I just need to let it all out.  

🎙️ "So, let's begin. Take us back to the moment when you first realized your heart was breaking. What was going through your mind?" 

I take a deep breath, and I can feel tears stinging my eyes, I won't cry today,  I say to myself, I begin

🎙️ I knew it was love at first sight when I saw Ebuka standing like a wounded soldier at the health assessment center, little did I know that he would cause my heart irreparable damage in months to come. I mean, who would have thought that this hot young Chevening bald-headed scholar would ruin my life. I approached him for guidance on how to get to the Sputum Center, and he said he was looking for the same place too. We chuckled, We were both lost and I thought we had found ourselves. Further conversations revealed that he was a Chevening scholar like myself and this was his first time leaving the country. 

It was easy to fall in love with him, his sense of humor, composure, and confidence were attractive, and before I knew it, Myself and the little butterflies in my stomach had started calling ourselves Mrs Ebuka. With the pictures we posted on the group, the shipping began and so also the late-night conversations, the constant checking up, and the falling for him. I heard the UK is a lonely place, I saw this as answered prayers, a fairytale come true. If Only I knew that I should have paid attention when Donmeks said that the Igbo version of Femi is Ebuka. I should have listened but Love is wicked. It won't tell you not to fall. 

The DJ played Love is Wicked by Brick & Lace briefly, There was laughter in the studio, Roxie urged me to continue whilst she signaled them to stop. I continued

🎙️At the end of the day, It really is, It leaves you battered and bruised. Ebuka dealt with me sha. Today I regret everything. I know you are probably wondering what Ebuka did to me. I would say You shouldn't focus on that just yet, the focus should be on what did Ebuka not do to me. Crazy right? What's this girl even saying, just stay with me,  it gets worse. so as I said before, after we met we would proceed to exchange numbers and post pics on the Chevening platform. Ebuka loves pictures. And, I fell in love with the way he dims his eyes while taking a shot. There was this particular picture that caused a stir in the Chevening group chat. People now started shipping us and Ebuka did nothing to discourage this. Although we were not in the same school, or studying the same course, one day Ebuka would tell another Chevening scholar in my school to take care of his Chevening wife oh.

🎙️Hmmmn, Roxie signed, I continued

🎙️What did he mean by that, I wondered and it's not like I wasn't attracted to him already. I was in fact head over heels already in love with him. We would talk for long hours and before I knew it chats with my boyfriend now ex seemed boring and unsatisfying...

🎙️"You had a boyfriend?" Roxie asked

 🎙️Yeah, I did, Charles, We were 8 months into the relationship and everything was sailing smoothly even after I got the scholarship notification. Then I met Ebuka and began to notice things that were not worth noticing,  How he was not too excited about me leaving. Now I think of it, I know it was because he was going to miss me and trying to navigate the complexities of long distance for a relationship that was barely a year. but then being Ebuka's Chevening wife had clouded my judgment. I looked for every little excuse to prove that he was not happy about my progress. I have always been the best student from the university to law school, As a Lawyer, you should have sound judgment but I guess IQ is not sufficient, It goes dumb when love is involved, no wonder they say love is blind, blinder than the symbol of justice.

 🎙️Whenever Charles made excuses about not following me for some of these japa runs, I would get angry, para for him, snub him for days, he would beg me countlessly now I think of it, he bought everything for me that I asked him, paid for all my Uber rides but I chose to make a big deal of him not following me to do market runs for myself and Ebuka. you see that word "wife material" eh? 

 🎙️Hmm, Our wife, Roxie interjected

 🎙️...Yes oh, it can make a late 20s woman do everything and nothing. It was no bother that Ebuka did not have much on his list and had a very strict limited budget but I bought things that I felt he needed, which he collected happily and what was my reward a small peck on my forehead and I am so grateful I met you. I melted like ice cream in a sauna. We would go winter coat shopping together and I would realize that we had so much in common plus Ebuka was effortlessly funny like he was a walking clown. I spent half the day laughing and the other half thinking of how we were so meant to be, all for what. Chevening wife... 3 years later and my tears haven't stopped.

My voice breaks a little, Roxie hands me a box of tissues

 🎙️Meanwhile, my relationship with Charles was experiencing a lot of friction sponsored by me, I was dropping hints that I didn't think I could be in a distance relationship which was pretty stupid because before I met Ebuka, Charles and I had worked out some modalities, we were planning to do court marriage, I am not the kind of girl that bothers on a proposal, we knew where the relationship was heading to and we were making plans, especially for us to be together eventually in the UK, but thanks to Ebuka, I started insisting that he does all traditional rites first because Ebuka said it was the right thing to do and we didn't do the court or either again...

 🎙️"Wait, Ebuka knew about your relationship?", Roxie asked

 🎙️"Yes he did in a way, I undermined the relationship making the story look like the guy was an obsessive annoying chyker. Well, I and Ebuka left for London together, the air ride was fun. Even the hostesses treated us like a couple. Charles begged to accompany me to the airport, but I vehemently refused, In my head, see this guy wan spoil my waka, now if you compare their profiles,  Ebuka was an investment banker in United Capital plc after working with SEC. He had an investment club for great minds and seasoned financed professionals. Ebuka had mentors who were CEOs and on the Forbes list while my bf was just a project assistant in a local NGO. Please, you too check it na.."

 🎙️"Hmmn I see I see" Roxie interjected

 🎙️"I was trying to look out for myself, I lost a good man in the process", I sniffed a little

 🎙️"We get to London, I proceed to Wolverhampton, Ebuka would go to Birmingham and we would continue to call for long hours and throw bants on the group as a team. I would join Ebuka's finance club and fall deeper and deeper. I am Sapiosexual and I love bright minds. Ebuka's mind is brighter than the shine on his bald head. The more I fell, the more my relationship with Charles deteriorated, He would call and send messages that I would ignore, happy to be with the Love of my life, Ebuka, the air i breathe... I laugh in Delulu the same love of my life would never call me his gf, only my Chevening wife and my dear, Daughter of Zion have off pants, well winter was coming for me..."🤣🤣

 🎙️"Winter is coming..." Roxie echoed

 🎙️"Charles would come to the UK for a conference and to try to make things work out but I would be adamant and end things with him for good. He would plead for us to see and I would ignore ending things with him over the phone. Ebuka says if a man really loves you, traditional rites should not be hard to do. Even when Charles's sister, my best friend, who introduced us, would call and beg me and let me know that Charles was ready to do the traditional rites now, I would make up lies and over-exaggerate little things to justify my reasons for breaking up with her brother. And when she called my bluff, I will ask her not to speak with me anymore"

 🎙️"My roommate then would ask me who is my cuddle buddy this winter and I would laugh like a foolish village girl saying It's Ebuka. She would go on to tell me that we are so good together but we should make it official already. I will tell her we don't want to rush into things, that was what Ebuka told me after I initiated the first kiss at the cinema which I paid for, I had to lie that it was a gift I won in class, just as I lied that Charles was disturbing me, meanwhile, I asked Charles out, I practically begged Charles to date me, yeah I am bold like that and Charles is a shy nerd, i knew he liked me but he was not bold enough, but Ebuka doesn't believe in all that woke shit, asking a man out is very low of a woman in Ebuka's universe. In this universe too, a godly relationship is the ultimate, keeping ourselves till marriage. that's why I settled for being "Chevening wife" instead of taking the bold move. My roommate would try to convince me that it's foolish talk but I would argue like a fool, I was a fool, A fool in love. "

 🎙️"I had regained my freedom as a single woman, Now it's time to move from Chevening wife to official wife or girlfriend at least. Ebuka was campaigning for Student Union at the University of Birmingham and I drummed my support for him, being there at every rally, and understanding his absence and not-too-frequent calls. After a while, Ebuka stopped picking up my calls during the evenings or weekends. His chats were limited and disappearing, I confronted him, and he said studies have gotten tough. The campaigns made him very careful with messaging, not just me, so that he can be quoted or nabbed he cleared all his chats as even jokes can be taken to be racist or gender-biased to present that good candidate portfolio.  I drank it all, the lies, the excuses, everything I believed it because I was proud of him. He was already the class leader. oh, a man that leads. My spec and more, I lived in this bubble till Winter came." 

 🎙️my roommate was not comfortable with this so she suggested that i surprised him and give him a treat since he has been working so hard to help him unwind. I thought, That was thoughtful and may be the push we needed to really define our relationship for Good. So, on a snowy breezy day. I set out to Birmingham to see the Love of my Life. yes my dear I was already smitten. Unfortunately, that was the day my heart shattered to pieces,  the door opened to reveal a lady with twins, One in her hand, whilst the other clutched her legs. 

 🎙️What, Jeez! Roxie Exclaimed, "Wait, haven't you visited him before, those times you were at Birmingham, where did you stay?"

 🎙️"His house, I have been there several times, we interfaced with each other's houses earlier helping each other to unpack. We did a sightseeing trip together to London and we retired to his house, he lived alone, and there was nobody..." My voice cracked, Roxie shook her head

 🎙️"Ebuka never mentioned... I wondered when Ebuka had a roommate and he didn't tell me..." who are you looking for she asked in a gentle voice, Ebuka Okafor, I said, trying to call him, then she said, oh are you Mariam, I was shocked, I was still in disbelief,  I nodded, oh I see she chuckled, come in, Oh thank God, It may be his family member, I walked in on my way to take a seat whilst playing with the toddler which I snatched from her legs when she continued  "He's not around. "Welcome, I'm Zara Okafor, Ebuka's wife, he has told me a lot about you, and how you have been like a sister to him, please sit, what can I get for you?" 

🎙️"Like a what? Hey! After God Fear Men," Roxie and all the studio hands exclaimed in shock

🎙️"Inside that Men, Fear Ebuka, I was dumbfounded... I had to maintain composure, I slowly dropped the toddler on the floor, are these your... I couldn't complete the statement, I swallowed hard, oh yes, she smiled while rubbing her tummy... yes Samuel and Michael. She rubbed her tummy again, she's pregnant again, and you are expecting... I couldn't complete my statement. She smiled happily, yes we'll have another one soon... hopefully, it would be a girl... we planned to name her Uchechukwu... everywhere became hot inside my winter coat, it was 0 degrees and I was sweating and there was no air. I almost turned blue, are you okay she asked, I nodded, and I managed to mutter. I had to go, then dashed for the door. Ebuka never called me back, he blocked me on every platform, I fell ill, I cried for days, I lost Charles, I lost my best friend, and I almost lost my sanity for what an undefined parasitic relationship. I realised that i knew nothing about him, i had already told my family about him... He has spoken to my mom sef, thatvwas what i used to justify why i broke up with Charles. I still feel so ashamed. I don't know if I will ever trust again... I have never been able to love again... I am broken, battered, and pained. Charles is getting married this Saturday, He seems happy, I feel terrible, I hurt him badly, I ... I break down in uncontrollable tears... a lady comforted me, one of the hosts from the next show probably.

🎙️Roxie spoke, Wow, this is so intense,  fear men oh, jeez, you can imagine the gaslighting, I don't know what to say. ok, let's get listeners to take on this one. Going over to the phone line, Hello

📞"Hello, my name is Jennifer calling from Lekki... That Ebuka guy is wicked, my sister don't even bother about him his a loser... married men sef they like to eat their cake and have it... fear Men they call Ebuka oh." The call goes off, Roxie continues

🎙️"Thank you to our first caller, Hello!"

📞"Hi, I am Mommy Yusuf, My own be say why can't single girls look for their own husbands? always pursuing married men, Mariamu, or whatever you call yourself, serves you right next time...shhhhe.... "The phone line went off, Roxie cuts it, gives me a concerned look then continues

Oh so bad, The line went off, and we were on to the next caller, please guys remember empathy...

📞"hi I am Emeka".

🎙️"hey, the younger brother of Ebukas," Roxie says, the studio hands laughed

📞"No oh," Emeka continues, " I am not that kind of person oh, but I think we should stop appropriating bad behavior to a name, tribe, or nationality, the person that committed the crime should be blamed... it doesn't mean everyone bears the name would behave like that by default

🎙️Roxie says, "I agree but it's too common for Ebuka, this is not the first time on this show, the Femis,  the Emeka's, The Ebuka's you guys have a lot to answer for, Is it the name or what?" The phone drops... Roxie continues, "Oh no we lost that one, our next caller, please"

 📞"Hi, I am Eyitayo, to be honest, I see nothing wrong in what Ebuka did oh. I think you were the one that led yourself on, All the signs were there but you chose to ignore it, if you paid attention closely you would have known that this guy was not interested in you, he was okay with you buying things for him to travel but not okay with stating he is in a relationship with you, make it make sense na..for a lawyer, you fall my hand oh.. the call drops, 

He was right  I knew it, I smiled, was this what I wanted or just to label Ebuka a villain, Is this closure, because it doesn't seem so much like it anymore, Roxie continued

Thank you very much for calling, Let's move to social media, our handles have been buzzing

@jenz says, Lmao #fearebuka #fearmen

@omotolani402 says Never lose a good man while chasing trash... lol😆 Mariam Pele oh

@NelsonamaJohnson say Abegi you women are too delusional 😆you have married someone in your head

@PrettyOriaku49 says That's why you have to ask at every start of the spark, are you married, you could have saved yourself while...

@MrsJonathanIke says 😆Hahaha... leave married men alone broke ass baddies 

@Holaworle45 says E go tey oh before this one recovers pele sis... unto the next. Team Ebuka gathers here 

@DivineGrace says Mariam you are worth more... God will send you a better man

@Chuks_et_al say Justice for the ex-bf... finally 

🎙️Okay, it's almost past 10pm... Let's take one final call and I can drop my 2 cents before we wrap it up

🎙️Hello... The familiarity of the voice hit me, as thick as Yul's own's, i signaled to Roxie to drop the call but she looked confused...  Hello, you are our last caller of the day..

🎙️Hello, I am Ebuka Okafor, Mariam is that the version you are going with or what helps you sleep at night... 

I hide my face in shame

Roxie is beyond shocked... the producer storms in, and signals that the show must go on...

Written by Rosemary Ugwuogo aka Dauntless